Caring Without Losing Yourself: What Research Shows and What Can Help

In simple terms, informal carers are people who provide unpaid care and support to adults who cannot manage certain tasks due to physical or mental health conditions. Unlike paid or professional carers, informal carers often juggle multiple responsibilities. It includes looking after loved ones while managing careers, relationships, and their own emotional and physical well-being (Department of Health and Social Care, 2014).

The Care Act 2014 legally recognises informal carers and guarantees them the right to a carer’s assessment with a local authority. This assessment considers how caring affects your daily life and well-being, covering both practical needs and emotional health. Yet many carers report feeling their emotional struggles: self-criticism, emotional exhaustion, identity loss, and suppressed anger. These are not fully understood or addressed (Marriott, 2003).

The Care Act is clear that well-being includes psychological and emotional aspects (Department of Health and Social Care, 2014). Carers’ assessments must consider how caring affects mental health and emotional well-being, but local authorities do not provide mental health treatment themselves. Instead, social services offer practical support and signpost carers to mental health services, such as the NHS or voluntary sector organisations.

This distinction is important: while social workers can help by providing respite care or household support to ease practical pressures, therapy and counselling come from other sources. Unfortunately, many carers struggle to access these services because of long waiting lists or lack of awareness (Carers UK, 2022).

The emotional toll on carers is significant. According to Carers UK’s State of Caring 2022 report:
•      58% of carers say their mental health has suffered because of their caring role.
•      1 in 5 carers have had thoughts of suicide due to the stress of caring.
•      Many carers feel socially isolated and lack opportunities for self-care.
These statistics paint a vivid picture of the emotional struggles carers face daily (Carers UK, 2022).

As I trained to become a therapist, I began to explore the emotional and psychological realities of informal carers. Many experience stress, anxiety, guilt, and a profound disconnection from themselves. The pressure to be perfect and to always cope can leave little room for self-compassion.

Hugh Marriott, an informal carer himself, wrote The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring (2003), which deepened my understanding. What stood out was how honest, blunt, and easy to understand it was. Marriott doesn’t sugarcoat the experience of caring. He gives you permission to feel whatever comes up — including emotions you are often told you shouldn’t have, such as resentment, exhaustion, grief, or even the desperate wish to escape.

The book highlights key psychological conflicts carers face, such as:
•     The tension between loyalty and personal freedom,
•     Difficulty asking for help or setting boundaries,
•     Emotional numbness from years of hyper-functioning,
•     Frustration when dealing with professional systems that feel impersonal or dismissive.

It’s a valuable tool that offers validation, education, and support. I recommend it to all professionals in the field, as well as to informal carers.

There is evidence suggesting that informal carers, particularly those caring for individuals with dementia, may face increased mortality risks compared to their care recipients. A study published in Alzheimer’s & Dementia: Translational Research & Clinical Interventions found that approximately 18% of spousal caregivers of individuals with Alzheimer's disease or related dementias died before their care recipients. This study tracked 926 caregiver-care recipient pairs over 6.21 years.
Though other sources, such as Stanford Medicine, have quoted figures as high as 40%, these higher numbers lack proper citation. What’s consistent is the trend: carers are vulnerable to poor health outcomes, often due to prolonged stress, sleep deprivation, and neglect of their own health (Roth, Fredman, & Haley, 2018).
For those who’ve built their lives around supporting others, it can be difficult and even shameful to prioritise their own well-being. But self-neglect doesn’t help anyone. And it can be fatal.

Caring for someone you love can be deeply meaningful, but it can also quietly erode your sense of self. The emotional toll is rarely visible to others. Maybe you appear strong and capable on the outside, but inside you're exhausted, resentful, anxious, or numb. You might feel guilty for having needs of your own. You might not even remember who you were before caring took over.
Therapy gives you a safe, non-judgmental space to feel like a person again (not just a carer). It helps you:
·     Process suppressed feelings like anger, grief, and guilt,
·     Untangle the role of "carer" from your sense of identity,
·     Reconnect with parts of yourself that have been neglected or forgotten,
·     Release perfectionism and self-criticism rooted in unrealistic expectations,
·     Learn how to set emotional boundaries without shame.
When carers don’t feel safe or allowed to speak about their inner worlds, the burden grows silently. That’s where therapy is essential.

I often work with ambitious professionals and overwhelmed helpers who are so used to appearing composed on the outside. Yet inside, they’re exhausted, disconnected, and no longer sure what their own needs are.
When we work together, here’s what transformation can look like:
·     You stop running on guilt and start living from clarity. You’ll no longer say “yes” to everything out of fear of being selfish.
·     You soften the inner critic and finally feel “good enough” without needing to earn it through over-giving.
·     You remember who you are beyond caring — not just a daughter, son, partner, or helper, but a whole person with your own needs, desires, and dreams.
·     You learn how to rest without feeling lazy or ashamed — even if no one else gives you permission.
·     You regain emotional presence — so you can feel again, not just function.
If this resonates with you, you’re not broken. You’re just exhausted from trying to hold everything together. And you deserve support, too.

If you’re reading this and feel the heavy weight of caring on your shoulders, please know you deserve support that sees the whole of you and not just the part that gives.

There are different ways to find that support:
·     Start with a carer’s assessment – This helps identify practical resources you may be entitled to, like respite care, home support, or adaptations.
·     Read The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring – A practical, honest, and validating book that many carers find both eye-opening and encouraging.
·     Access therapy – Work through the emotional and psychological challenges of caring in a safe, non-judgmental space.

Let’s begin therapy. I offer a safe space where you can focus on you. Finally.
You can reach me at:
Email: info@olga-therapy.com
Website: olga-therapy.com
Let’s talk and find a path that works for you.